Many of us grew up sitting at the family dinner table. Often, it was rectangular, with the family’s primary bread winner(s) sitting at the end of the table. Regardless of the shape, the rest of the family sat at designated seats, night after night, year after year. Sometimes, long after the kids had grown and left the household, when they returned for a family meal, they automatically assumed their childhood seats at the family table. 

In most families, that dinner table had built-in power dynamics, family customs, and sets of expectations and rules. Sometimes they were subtle and unspoken; other times they were apparent and pronounced. 

Once the kids have left the nest for school or work, starting their own families and other endeavors, there’s a unique opportunity to set a new “table” so that all family members are invited to sit, share, develop, and act on common values and goals around money, philanthropy, and making a difference. Think of this new table as a round one (actually or figuratively), where every family member is invited to sit as equals and encouraged to share their views, voices, and votes on the world and how the family can evolve its philanthropic impact and legacy. 

Most philanthropic capital is no longer owned by the family and represents a relatively small percentage of a family’s overall assets. Instead, it’s been irrevocably donated to a private foundation or donor-advised fund (DAF) and doesn’t appear on the family’s balance sheet. Because philanthropically committed capital usually sits apart from the rest of a family’s assets, it’s easier to discuss and distribute and less likely to cause personal feelings of inequality or unfairness. 

Most families aspire to preserve wealth, values, and legacy over the generations. A shared commitment to community, service, and philanthropy influences their ability to reach that goal. 

Three Steps to Success for Multigenerational Philanthropy 

For families that are looking to create a philanthropic legacy across generations, here are steps essential to success. 

Step 1: Jointly Establish New Ground Rules  

It’s clear that engaging next-generation family members in a mutigenerational philanthropic endeavor relies on them having meaningful seats at the table. Ask each other, “How would you like all family members to show up to the new philanthropy table?” 

This is often the hardest step for members of the wealth-creating generation who are accustomed to ruling the roost. Good ground rules for philanthropic discussion emanate naturally – they are not imposed by elders or outside facilitators. 

Here are just a few examples of the many ground rules families can establish: 

  • All family members have an equal voice and are encouraged to actively participate. 
  • Decisions won’t be made unilaterally – collective decision-making is the objective. 
  • No “eye rolls” or “sighs” permitted; show respect for all points of view. 
  • No interrupting anyone. 
  • Accept conflict and its resolution as a necessary catalyst for learning and change. 

Step 2: Articulate a Common Purpose for the Family’s Philanthropic Endeavor 

Ask each other, “What do you want to get out of this experience?” to establish a baseline for every family member’s participation. Possible answers include: 

  • Learn more about effective, strategic philanthropy. 
  • Learn more about each other, especially across generations of geographically dispersed siblings, cousins, and spouses. 
  • Establish new ways of communicating and supporting each other in the family. 
  • Help the family continue to thrive across the generations. 
  • “Pay it forward” out of gratitude for the family’s good fortune. 
  • Make an impact on their community, country, or world. 

Step 3: Create a Good Mission Statement 

Determining a mission statement helps get everyone on the same page with your philanthropic goals. Family members can ask each other these questions to start the conversation: 

  • What’s our focus? 
  • What do we want to preserve or change? 
  • Do we want to focus on a geographic area? 
  • What is our timetable for giving? 
  • Do we want to collaborate with other funders or go it alone? 
  • How will we measure success?

Encouraging donors to follow these steps makes it much more likely that the family’s philanthropic efforts will succeed and that the family itself will thrive. By learning to communicate better, work together, and support each other across generations, distances, and time, everyone will have a seat at the table. 

NOTE: This article has been updated from its original version, which has appeared in other publications, written by Bruce DeBoskey, J.D., a philanthropic strategist working across the U.S. with The DeBoskey Group.